Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
