This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize