One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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