omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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