he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
