I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
