Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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