She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize