Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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