Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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