My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
