It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
