on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
