Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My vagina is officially offended.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
