i jhust puked up my retainher.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
