You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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