I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
