Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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