I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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