Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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