Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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