4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
