My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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