i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
