love makes seman taste better
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize