booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize