I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
