he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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