And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
