no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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