so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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