I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i would punch a child for taco bell
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
