why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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