Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
