Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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