Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
