There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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