He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
