I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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