Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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