Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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