I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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