I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
