so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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