Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
