I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
