and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
