M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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