this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
