the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
