do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize