i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Who did Billy Mays play for?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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