So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
