i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
