you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
