New low: just hacked my moms facebook
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
