This is not my ceiling
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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