Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
