Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
