i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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