moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
