Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
