Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
