hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
birth control should be required to get into college
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
