girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
