Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
