just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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